All Over But the Shouting: A Winner Speaks

None more black: Soo with the cup

In less than 48 hours, I will be stepping down as FF (first female) Karaoke to the Death (KttD) champion, passing down Lord Ramsey’s Cup and handing over the ceremonial Krazy Glue.

I’ve spent a year, drunk with power, ruminating on what propelled me to victory. It takes a special lady to hang with this band of jackals. And I’ve got some wisdom to impart about how I shook the KttD patriarchy to its core, and what it took to get there. Three points to remember:

1. Shyness is nice, but shyness can stop you. Showing up and taking the stage is half the battle. I sat it out in the early years of the competition out of pride, a desire to look cute or whatever. But you’ll never win with that attitude. As KttD Founders Dave and Hot Rod have said, the watchwords for this competition are shame and humiliation.

2.  Go in cold. Stay loose. I spent the evening before my victory, head hung in a toilet, after being over-served at a wedding. I believe that was a factor in my success.

I’d also caution you not to practice your song too much. Or at all. Last year, I’d only heard my song once or twice in the week before the competition. It’s nice to have an element of surprise on the stage, where even the participant is surprised by how awful their song choice is.

3. The “cringe factor.” This can’t be taught. You either have it or you don’t. You’re either a bad singer or you’re not. And you either relish the spotlight, or you don’t. If people can still look you in the eye after you've exited the stage, you've failed. For me, KttD has been a process of real discovery. I always assumed I was pretty outgoing and that I enjoyed being the center of attention. But every time I get up there, I feel like the ground is about to swallow me up. I feel open hostility from the audience. And I just want to get off.

As the competition enters its 8th year, new questions and challenges face the sport. First, will the KttD rules committee shed its jingoistic ways and award the Cup to a non-American? It’s never happened before. Aussie Bob, despite what some have suggested is a “swift-boat” campaign to propel him into the winner’s circle, has the stuff of legend. He’s terribly awkward on stage. And he can’t carry a tune. We’re told he once set fires in his backyard in the land down under. I have no doubt he can set ablaze the KttD stage. Odds-makers have him at 8:1.

What about an “outsider” taking the cup? Fact is, until I broke – shattered really –  the gender barrier in KttD 7, the winners circle was an old boys club, a veritable passel of penises. They were all friends from the days of Mischas. And as the competition grew, KttD observers became suspicious that the committee was unwilling to award the vaunted turkey platter to someone not from the immediate circle of friends.

There have been several close calls over the years. A sibilant version of Lady in Red by a KttD first-timer sent shockwaves through the community. And last year’s performance of Thunder Road by Allison was an entire paradigm shift. I don’t think I'm going out on a limb here when I say that Allison has the best chance of an outsider to walk away victorious. The feminist in me wants to see it happen.

What about the Bag o’ Penises? I’m talking about the karaoke DJ at the Rock it Grill. The havoc he wreaked on last year’s competition is well documented. What isn’t known is whether he’ll be a factor this year. My advice: Don’t plan on getting two shots at the stage.

And finally, will KttD have its first back-to-back champion? Could Hot Rod three-peat? To be honest, I had not even considered the possibility of winning this year. But then reality began to sink in that I really might be tone-deaf. And not in quotes. Just. Plain. Tone. Deaf.

And thanks to Vanna’s excellent reportage over the years, there’s the tale of the tape. And by that I mean a certain comment that was made during last year’s competition, comparing me to Barbaro and suggesting I might be “put down” after I’d run the race. “We all know she’s not going to repeat. We all know that.” were the exact words. Chilling, I know. But don’t worry sisters. I’m going to avenge that. The waters have been chummed. I’m ready to leap up on the decks and bite the shit out of someone. I’ve never wanted victory more.

Me, subverting the Man